Forgiveness is one of those Christian concepts that sounds good until it is time to put it into action. That is to say, it is very easy for us to talk about mercy as a concept until it’s time to give mercy to someone who has done wrong to us. It becomes much harder when we know the person’s name, remember exactly what was said, how we felt, and especially when we can still feel the wound they left behind. In those moments, forgiveness no longer feels like a comforting idea but transforms into what feels like an impossible command.
Part of the problem is that we often assume forgiving someone means that we should no longer feel hurt. So, we wait. We wait for the anger to disappear, for the memory to stop bothering us, for the other person to finally offer the apology we believe we deserve, or maybe until we feel safe enough to think “well, that will never happen again.”
But obedience to Christ very rarely begins when our emotions become convenient for us and sometimes forgiveness begins with a painfully honest prayer: “Lord, I do not want to forgive this person, but please make me willing.” This is a confession to the Father who loves us that recognizes that we know Christ’s command and desire to be obedient to Him despite our own broken heart.
Forgiveness does not require you to deny what happened. Scripture does not require us to pretend that hurt or evil was harmless, immediately restore broken trust, or remain in an unsafe situation. Boundaries can be both good and wise. Consequences can still be just. Trust may need to be rebuilt slowly, and in some cases, it may never be restored in the same way. Just because we forgive it does not necessitate that things go back to the way they were.
Forgiveness means surrendering our personal claim to vengeance, allowing heaven’s justice to deal with it. It becomes the decision to stop nurturing the desire to make another person suffer and instead entrust that person and the entire matter to the justice of Almighty God.
And the fact of the matter is that surrender may need to happen more than once. We tend to harp on the hurt, on the wrong that has been done to us, and when the memory returns, the anger rises, and suddenly we find ourselves fighting the same battle in our minds all over again.
In such moments, forgiveness may mean handing the same matter back to God for the tenth, twentieth, or hundredth time. That does not necessarily mean our first act of forgiveness was insincere. Rather, It reflects the fact that healing often takes time. So we pray, “God, I’m struggling with this, heal me.”
We hold on to these things in spite of God’s command because unforgiveness promises us protection; it says, “I won’t let this happen again. If I remain angry, I’ll never be caught off guard again.” But in reality, bitterness builds a prison around your spirit, keeping the past alive and the wound wide open. It allows the person who has wounded us to continue to occupy our mind and our spirit. Sure, forgiveness does not rewrite the past, but it refuses to let the past rule our future.
If someone has come to mind while reading this, you do not need to force yourself to manufacture warm feelings. Begin with honesty before Christ and recognize the hurt before God. Ask Him to protect your heart from hatred, give you wisdom concerning necessary boundaries, and remove the desire for revenge. Then ask for the strength to obey Him one day at a time.
Forgiven people are not people who never struggle to forgive. They are people who continually bring that struggle to the cross. We forgive, not because the people who hurt us have earned it; more often than not, they haven’t. We forgive because the mercy of Jesus Christ has begun remaking our hearts.
Finally, when forgiveness feels impossible, and it often will, remember that the Christian life itself began with what seemed impossible: a holy God extended mercy to sinners through His Son. The Savior who commands us to forgive is also the Savior who supplies the grace to do it, and brought the Father's forgiveness to sinful man.